Wow

So, I received a text message from a good friend I met through FF. She wanted to make sure I was OK, and informed me that there were many people who were worried about me because of my prior post. Before I say anything else, I must thank each and every one of you who rallied to show me love & support. I am truly humbled.

As for the poem I wrote and published, I cannot lie; the feelings expressed in the poem are very real. However, I didn't realize it was so poignant. For months, I have told people who are around me {IRL} that I feel this way, and they never even batted an eye. So I guess I didn't expect that anyone would actually understand or even care for that matter. I certainly didn't mean to cause any alarm. For that, I am sorry.

It has been a tough month. There was pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. That hurt quite a bit {remembering all my miscarriages, and my beautiful Angelo}. Then, there was the "anniversary" of when my water broke {on that day, I had gone to the emergency room explaining that I had a gush of fluid; the ultrasound had showed everything to be ok..that ultrasound was wrong}. Next was the anniversary of when I was told that it was true; my water had broken, Angel had no fluid, and I was admitted into the hospital for 11 days of torture. Memories of doctors running into my room and screaming at me to abort the whole pregnancy played out in my mind. Basically, it was as if I relived the "death sentence" of my Angelo 3 times within 2 weeks. And the loss of my other pregnancies. And the feelings of guilt associated with all of it.

It also made me remember how many "friends" and "close family members" were in my life before shit got bad. Way to go dickheads. Be in a person's life until things get tough. Then conveniently DISAPPEAR like a coward. The one that hurts most of all is my IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER who used their fucking IF as an excuse to distance themselves from me because they said it "hurt too much to see me have something they can't have". {this was as I lay in the hospital the first time not knowing what would happen, then as I lay on bed rest at home not knowing what will happen, then sitting back in the hospital being told my son shall be a monster, and then giving birth to the twins, losing Angelo, and watching Boxer fight for her life in an incubator}. Talk about taking things WAY too far. How is it that I have "virtual" friends battling IF who supported me, and care for me, but the "in real live" sibling deserted me? How is it that women I met on FF who have undergone NUMEROUS failed IVF's were able to remain friends with me, but the CLOSET BLOOD RELATIVE I HAVE {who didn't want to do IVF because it might make her GAIN WEIGHT or RUIN HER SUMMER} couldn't stand by my side? Fucking bullshit. And fucking painful.

To top it all off, we are still in the shack, even though our offer on the new co-op was accepted back when Marie Antoinette still had her head {July for those who don't remember}. Thanks to SB's laziness, and the incompetent assholes he deals with, we STILL do NOT have a closing date. Living in a 400 square foot apartment that doesn't have heat in the front "room" {it's really one big room with partitions to make it seem like 2} with a storage area that floods every time it rains {and it rains ALOT} has not been good for Boxer, and has not been good for me. Also, due to all the complications with the move, Boxer's Early Intervention has been interrupted {she still hasn't had an OT come to treat her as they won't assign me one in Queens when they know I will be moving soon}, and her Synagis shots are all fucked up because of the same thing; they are sending a 5 month supply of the shot to her pediatrician now {already behind..she should have been getting the shot this week} but because we will be switching doctors soon, we will have to get authorization for it all over again {which may cause a lapse}. Those of you who are familiar with Synagis shots know how imperative it is to have them given once a month. To add more fun to the moving disaster, SB's parents packed away all my cooking utensils and such {including my toaster!} almost 2 months ago, so I have been in a 400 square foot apartment filled with boxes and not a pot to piss in {literally}. Space is limited, so Boxer's toys are limited, as are places for her to just lay on the floor and kick about {especially now with the cold weather upon us and the bad heating situation}. It breaks my heart that I can't give her fun and cool things to play with, especially ones that could help with the HUGE delay she has in fine-motor skills. Yet another thing to feel guilty about.

Ok. Enough. I have dragged out the "woe is me, pity party for one" crap.

And just to let you know....despite all that I have written in this entry....despite my loneliness and sorrow that was clearly coming through in my poetry...I am still eternally grateful for my miracle girl, {who is the light of my life}, and I do EVERYTHING in my power to make her as happy and as comfortable as can be. I go to extreme lengths to mask any sorrow/panic/depression so that she does not feel my stress. And I think I'm doing a great job. Cause she's a happy little camper, who is doing great. {and still never sleeping. And still always whining. But she does smile in between those whines!} I know that things could have been so much worse. I know that I could have lost both of them. I know that I could have lost my own life too. I know that there are people who have it FAR worse than I do. But I am human. When I get a cut, I bleed red. And when I have spent close to 17 months of my life almost ALWAYS alone, I get lonely. That poem was my way of letting those feelings out.

Thank you so much for caring.

I shall update again soon, I promise!

And here is Ms Boxer girl saying THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY MOMMY FEEL LOVED! {this pic was taken when I made a make-shift "pumpkin patch" in my mom's backyard for Boxer, since we couldn't take her to a real one. I'll have pics from that day, as well as her Halloween get-up, on my next entry}...