Can I get a twig with a bunch of lights on it please?

Well, I come to you with fabulous holiday cheer, and a mouth that is throbbing in pain due to the 2 hour dental appointment I just had {one of many many MANY more to come}...

So much to say, so little time....

Since I last wrote, things have progressively gotten worse. At one point I just sat in the window of the shack, fully expecting to see the locusts swarming down upon me. I seriously must have been a very fucked-up person in a former life. I think I was Vlad the Impaler.

Yes, we are still in the shack. It is not only annoying at this point, but fucking depressing. Between SB, the mortgage company, the bank, and our attorney, I'm not sure who it is that failed me the most. Bottom line is; the offer on the co-op was accepted in July, and here we are, in mid-December, STILL WAITING FOR CLEARANCE TO CLOSE. The sheer aggravation of the situation {hey, that rhymed!} has been quite overwhelming, and has reduced me to tears on more than one occasion. If I began to even explain a portion of this disaster in detail, I would be here all day. And since time is something I never to never have, I won't go there. So, as it stands, we remain in the shack; the cold, drafty, crowded shack. The apartment that has NO HEAT in the front room {as our night-time temps begin to hover in the 20s}. That part of the shack is now useless, so my living space has been reduced from 400 square feet to about 250 square feet. I have been in hotel rooms that are bigger than this place. Due to the cramped quarters, Boxer barely has any room for her toys, and I barely have room to sit next to her on the floor. Also, there shall be no Christmas here. There isn't room for a tree; hell, there isn't room for a fucking Charlie Brown tree. No space also means no presents. All of Boxer's gifts will have to remain at my mother's house until we move {and let me remind you, the co-op we're purchasing is only 980 square feet, but compared to this place, it's a palace}. All the images I had in my head of spending my first Christmas as a mother are SQUASHED. There will be no baking of cookies while Boxer plays with brightly wrapped boxes under a tree. No lights on the windows {how could we put up lights? We had to cover our windows with plastic in a desperate attempt to reduce the freezing cold draft}. No dancing with Boxer around the apartment while singing Christmas Carols because there isn't any room for me to dance. Shit, there isn't any room for the cat to lay down. It's just pitiful. Now I KNOW that Christmas isn't really about trees and lights and Santa Claus. So please don't lecture me. I also know that my daughter is a miracle and I'm lucky that she is alive and healthy. So please don't lecture me about that either. However, that doesn't make it any less depressing. Last year, as I lay alone in my loud, construction filled apartment on bed rest, without any notion of the holiday season adorning my home, I had talked to my babies and promised them that next year, everything would be different, and all of this sadness, and anxiety, and loneliness would be a thing of the past; I would make it up to them. Now, Angelo is in heaven, and Boxer's idea of Christmas is a twig with lights wrapped around it.

What a fucking liar/loser/failure I am.

I keep picturing that movie from the 70s "The Year without a Santa Claus". If Boxer could talk, I'm sure this would be her..

So, the abandonment from my family and friends continues on it's merry way, and has actually gotten worse, thanks to SB. I won't get into details, but let's just say that there are some people who no longer like me due to his cowardly lying.

Like, I said, Vlad the Impaler...I must.have.been.him.

At least we had a decent Thanksgiving. I was supposed to go to my BFF's house, but she had just given birth {welcome to the world Ethan!!!} and was too tired to host. That left me sitting alone in the shack eating a cracker while Boxer rolled into the wall. So, I decided to just say "fuck it" and go to my cousin's house, even though the "family member" that can't stand me "because-I-had-a-baby" would be there. I figured I could just ignore her while I introduce Boxer to people she hasn't met before {these are not family members that abandoned me; they stayed away due to sicknesses, etc}. Well, the person who has a problem with me caused a HUGE FUCKING STINK about it, and after much bitching, decided she would play "martyr" and not go because she didn't want to "create hostility" during a holiday. WHATEVER. The bitch had a perfect opportunity to try to make up for all she has done to Boxer and I {as my parents SWEAR she wanted to} but she skipped out instead. To make matters worse, she decided to call both my parents cell phones about 100x on Thanksgiving day crying, moaning, and bitching about how she was all alone with her husband on a holiday and couldn't deal with it. {Give me a fucking break. Last year I sat by myself with a chocolate pudding pie that I dropped on the floor and watched my cat squash it into the carpet as she decided this was the one spot in the house where she wanted to sit. SB was working} It annoyed me for awhile, and then I let it roll off my shoulders. I'm glad I did, because Boxer LOVED being out, she LOVED everyone she met, and had a GRAND OL' TIME. It was so nice to see her excited and smiling, and to watch everyone fawn all over her. So, I am thankful for that!!!!!

As for Ms Boxer, she is doing very well; she is now almost 18 pounds {woohoo!} and is 26 inches long. She is sitting up on her own {although I have to help her into the position} and is rolling around like crazy! No crawling yet, but she is "pivoting" and turning. She is is still WAY behind on fine motor skills, and needs a lot of work. I'm still waiting for a damn OT to get here. Yet another issue. { A very nice woman I met through FF who also reads this blog was kind enough to send me a bunch of developmental toys she had for her twins, and Boxer LOVES them. They have inspired her to grasp and move forward. I'm very grateful to this woman for being so generous!! } Boxer makes a lot of noises, but no actual babbling yet. I'm working real hard on "mama". She is VERY sociable and loves people {even her physical therapist..go figure!}. Juniper and my dad seem to be her best friends. She is still an insomniac and only naps about 2x a day for 20 minutes each. She goes to bed for the night at around 10PM, wakes up here and there during the night, and is up for the day anywhere between 6AM-7AM. I wish I had her energy! She is still wearing the apnea monitor at night and has had a few episodes, but not many, and none of them serious. This is good stuff. All in all, she is a wonderful baby with quite the personality!! I still stare at her in awe, as I remember all the times I was told she had "ZERO CHANCE". Well, take that zero chance and shove it right up your ass. This kid rocks.

As for me, I'm still a walking medical disaster. The pains in my mouth had gotten worse, as did the spaces in between my teeth {a la' Lauren Hutton. Though I am no Lauren Hutton. On me, these spaces evoke such words as "trailer park trash" and "8 mile"}. I finally went to the dentist {although I had to have my dad watch Boxer, and he was petrified, as he does not know how to change a diaper or feed a baby..hey, he's 75.}. After a brutal and sadistic cleaning, I was forced to take 12 x-rays, and was informed that not only have my teeth rotted to shit {9 of my teeth need drilling. Yes, you read that correctly. 9. I had the first one done today. That one tooth alone had 3 cavities}, and I still have temporary crowns from my root canals that were done back when William Henry Harrison was in office, but I also have MASSIVE bone loss in my mouth, ALL on my front teeth, that has caused a receding gum line, which has caused my teeth to shift and separate. The dentist said I could very possibly LOSE my damn teeth. He also yelled at me and asked me why I waited so long {HI..why don't you ask the dickheads in my life why they wouldn't watch the baby for me so I can get to the damn doctor}. So now, after my extensive drilling{s}, I have to go to a periodontist and have him do some sort of gum surgery {OUCH} and attach braces to my teeth {HELLO. I'M 37. BRACES?}. And yes, ALL of this came from fertility drugs, back to back pregnancies, and a bad pregnancy, along with waiting too long to fix it. YAY FOR ME.. {Hi Vlad the Impaler}. As for the money to pay for this? Please watch me as I laugh myself to death.

Also, my knees/legs have been in AWFUL shape ever since I gave birth. I have been complaining about them for MONTHS ON END. I finally went to an orthopedic doctor {this time, both my mom and dad watched Boxer, for I was gone for over 4 hours}. After many x-rays and tests I was told I have significant bone loss in my right knee {again, pregnancy & fertility meds}, as well as "water on the knee" {I think he called it bursitis?}. On my left leg, I have a damaged ACL, bursitis, and severe damage and swelling to the muscle that goes from your knee to your ass {I forgot the name, and don't have time to look it up}. The doctor's guess is that this was a direct result of prolonged bed-rest, major surgery, a bunch of falls afterwards, and no physical therapy. Great. So now I have to try and go to PT. If I don't, I'm looking at surgery. {Vlad...where are you??}.

Ok. This entry has been VERY long {but not long enough to diminish the effects of this pain in my mouth}. I shall repeat to myself "I must update my blog more often" at least 10x a day.

And here are some pics of Boxer.

In her Halloween outfit:

Not impressed with the taste of turkey AT.ALL.



Boxer & Juniper. BFF




Til next time.