The dusty, old, faded wallpaper.

When I was about 18 years old, I moved out of my parents house and moved into my Grandma's {or, the woman who was like my grandma} basement. It was typical Italian grandma basement, complete with wood paneling, a full kitchen, and a lot of odds and ends strewn about. On the walls of the kitchen area was the most hideous wallpaper I had ever seen. It was faded, and dusty, and peeling in several places. The wallpaper pattern was of a bunch of orange and yellow flowers; late 1960's style. Very Groovy. By the time I moved in, the yellow and orange had faded so badly that it was hard to imagine that this wallpaper had EVER been vibrant, let alone considered beautiful enough to be put upon a wall.

I asked my grandma if I could possibly remove the wallpaper, or paint over it, as I found it repulsive. She glanced over at the wallpaper, and said "That was once the most beautiful pattern I had ever seen. I saved money for months in order to be able to purchase it. I couldn't afford to paper the upstairs kitchen with it; the space was too big. So, instead, I put it down here". I looked back at the wallpaper and said "Seriously? I cannot imagine that anybody would accept this wallpaper for FREE, let alone save money to buy it! It is awful!". She shook her head and said "Well, right now it looks awful, but back then, it was lovely". So I asked, "Well, if you loved it so much, why did you let it go? It looks as if nobody has cared for it in years! It's peeling, and faded, and has about 17 inches of dust on it". She said "Well, as time went by, I guess I took the wallpaper for granted. I used to admire it every day when I walked by; I would clean it and shine it. If it showed even one tiny fray, I would fix it. But as time went by, I stopped looking at it so closely. Once in awhile I would dust it off, but that's about it. Eventually, I failed to ever really look at it; I knew it was there, but didn't pay much mind. In fact, until you pointed it out to me, I didn't realize what terrible condition it was in". I found this interesting, even at the young age of 18. Here was this tacky, horrible wallpaper, once beloved by my grandma, sitting neglected and disintegrating on the wall, and she didn't even notice until I pointed it out. She then looked at the wall and said "Go ahead and paint over it. There's no use trying t salvage it now". And so I did. I painted the wall a fabulous 90's inspired sky blue. And I didn't think twice about that old wallpaper as I rolled the paintbrush over the spot where yellow and orange flowers used to shine.

Perhaps I should have tried to bring the paper back to life. I'm sure that with a little TLC, I could have had those flowers shining once again, as they did the day my grandma had pasted the paper to the wall. But I didn't think that this particular wallpaper was worth saving. Nor did my grandma, the very woman who had saved her pennies to purchase it. Looking back, I wish I would have kept that wallpaper upon the wall, even if I found it to be hideous.

Because now, 20 years later, I am that wallpaper.

Moving forward.

I'd like to thank everybody for their advice on the ant situation. It continues to be a problem, and we had to appeal to the co-op board to allow a real exterminator to come on in and check it out. He arrives here tomorrow to asses the situation. SB will be home tomorrow, and this is a good thing, as I will be in Queens for...you guessed it...ANOTHER fabulous dentist appointment. Afterwards, I go to yet another orthopedist who will look at my knee and tell me how it will never be fixed unless I stay off it, or get surgery.

So much fun, so little time.

In other news, April 2nd marked the one year anniversary of when we brought my little Boxer girl home. I remember the day vividly and cannot believe it has been a year since we took our little miracle home from the NICU. I was elated, yet terrified; happy, yet sad. I had a million emotions coursing through me as we drove this tiny 4 pound baby on an apnea monitor home to our shack. I cannot believe it has been an entire year. And this year, as I watched her cruise through the house like speed-racer, I found it almost impossible to believe that my little tiny 4 pound baby {who had, at one time, been my little, tiny, 2 pound baby} was now cruising and babbling and staring up at me with her big blue eyes. And so I cried. Tears of happiness, and tears of amazement. I also cried a few tears of sorrow, as I thought about her brother Angelo, lying in the graveyard; how badly I had wanted to have BOTH of them coming home with me last year. And how wonderful it would be to have both of them staring up at me this year.

I know that all such milestones in Boxer's life will also be a tad bit bittersweet.

As for Boxer, she continues to kick ass, being her usual feisty self, but is still showing some developmental delays, especially in the speech and feeding area. I know that she will eventually overcome these obstacles. I have no doubt in my mind. Because this kid is a fighter. Always has been, and also shall be.

A few weeks ago, a very kind woman from FF {who has, sadly, also experienced the pain of losing a child} gave me a link to a beautiful memorial photo she took for my little Angel. I plan on enlarging it, printing it out, and framing it. Much thanks from the bottom of my heart to this woman for doing such a kind thing for me. It is nice to have something with his name on it, as it pains me that we are still unable to afford to have his name etched on the tomb which marks his final resting spot.

I miss my little boy with all my heart.

This weekend, we took Boxer out. The weather is getting nicer, RSV season is almost over, and I think she's ready to take on the world. I will have a detailed update of our escapades over the weekend, and will try my best to focus solely on her, and not on me. Several things have truly hurt me in the past few weeks...hell, the past few YEARS..... But alas, there is no point in me stating the obvious:

I am nothing more than faded, dusty wallpaper to each and every person I know. And I have no doubt in my mind, that they shall continue to walk past me without a second glance, just as my grandma eventually did to her beloved orange and yellow flowered wall.

Til next time.